When people talk about the Midwest, they usually mention that it is a "friendly" or "family-oriented" place.
They use broad terms that conjure images of smiling faces passing in the supermarket or neighbors chatting in the yard after work.
Then you come across the type of rare soul that takes the heart of the Midwest to a whole new level. It is the soul of someone so giving and caring, whose doors are always open when people need to talk.
It makes you realize how powerful the people of this place can really be.
Joan McMillan is the type of local resident many aspire to become or encounter.
At 68, she is connected to her neighbors in Williams Woodland Park, and people all around the city of all ages and backgrounds who she helps through life in the form of simple dinners.
Joan makes incredible meals, including her famous pasta dishes, homemade sauces and breads, and delicious Reuben sandwiches.
When visitors stop by, it is not uncommon for the phone to ring with someone asking for advice or for a neighbor to knock on the door and deliver unexpected wine or flowers as a gesture of gratitude.
Joan has a way of helping those she meets find the best in themselves.
Her daughter, Amanda Lahrman, says it best.
“My mom is the type of person who makes a new friend at the grocery store. Anyone who has had the opportunity to have a meal with her at her home knows that her friends are not just her peers," Amanda says. "She believes in real and authentic relationships. Her home is a place where people can share or listen no matter who they are or what they believe. I think that is something people really feel when they are with her. They feel at home, accepted, and loved.”
When Amanda first met her future husband, Brian Lahrman, she was on the heels of leaving the country for an extended period.
Brian quickly realized that if he wanted to be in her life upon her return to the states, he should try to build a relationship with her mother.
Since neither shy away from meeting new people, they both set a date for dinner at Joan's home.
“I had dinner with my future mother-in-law, Joan, once a week for 9 months when Amanda was in Japan," Brian says. "At first I wasn't sure what we would talk about. After two or three dinners, it turned into ‘what time is it?’ It was typically the highlight of my week, and not just because of the great meals.”
When Amanda returned, Brian had already won Joan over.
Now they are happily married and have given Joan two grandchildren who she actively watches and loves.
But Joan’s life has not always been easy, and those closest to her say her ability to help heal the wounds of others comes from her own pain.
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Joan often serves guests in the comfort of her kitchen.
From tears to butterflies
While many people experience grief in their lives, Joan is one of those rare souls who has been able to create something beautiful out of it.
The life that she lives today was birthed out of the grief she experienced after the passing of her husband, Tom McMillan.
They fell in love, and married in October, 2001. Then in August, 2003, Tom died from lung cancer.
Tom didn’t smoke, and he had lived an athletic life, so Joan says his sudden diagnosis and death was devastating for everyone who loved him.
“The first round of grief lasted about 6 months," Joan says. "It’s hard to even remember trying to put one foot in front of the other and doing what you need to do each day. I remember saying once at a support group that I wanted to fast forward five years."
As it turns out, Joan says year five was when she felt like she could really live again. But it took a long time to get there.
"That first year and the many ‘firsts’ after his death were incredibly hard," Joan says. "The second year, I woke up, and realized I would have to do this the rest of my life. Year three, it got a little better. Life had good things. I still missed him but distractions and moments allowed me to briefly forget the circumstances and the pain. It physically hurt at times because the grief was so bad."
Then in year five, she woke up one morning, sat on the edge of her bed, and knew that she was back.
"I made it this far, and was ready to move forward," Joan says. "Now Tom is with me all the time. I don’t think of him as being gone. My relationship moved from a physical relationship to a spiritual relationship. At year five, I finally accepted that.”
Today, Joan tells stories of feeling Tom’s presence at one of their favorite performances at The Embassy Theatre and how, after his passing, she would see butterflies all the time.
Tom always told Joan that after he married her, “he became a butterfly.”
She doesn’t think it is a coincidence that butterflies have become regular visitors since his death.
Along with her personal tragedies, Joan has professional experience dealing with grief after working for hospice as a grief counselor.
Her nephew Ben Graham, 26, says her ability to coach others through tragedy has made her an asset to many people.
"You can learn so much from people that look at death and learn from it," Ben says. "I think most people are scared to look death in the eye, but when we talk about it, it’s never a bad conversation. It’s empowering. That’s Joan. You walk away feeling wiser and more able to deal with your life and the world.”
Creating a safe place
Throughout her life, Joan has lived in 10 different cities across the country before returning to Fort Wayne to settle down.
For more than 20 years, she has called the Williams Woodland Park Historic District her home.
“At one point, five of my eight siblings lived on this block," Joan says. "It has been a constant flow over many decades, people moving in and out, and giving their gifts to this neighborhood."
Joan now has her sister, two nieces, and her nephew, Ben, within two blocks of her home. Hundreds of others around the neighborhood and the city have also joined her for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and wine.
"We have cried and laughed," Joan says. "I feel like my role in this neighborhood is to be a light. I just want this house to be light. It is a safe place for people to come in from their own storm. I want it to be an anchor.”
When Jerriah and Brandy Miller moved into the neighborhood, they quickly created a friendship with Joan.
”To live next to Joan is a privilege and blessing, all rolled into one loving, laughing, compassionate and nurturing Colts fan," Brandy says. "Joan' s home--Joan's Junction, as I call it--is a beautiful expression of her heart and soul: warm, inviting, eclectic, interesting (and interested in knowledge and learning), parental, loving, and ever-evolving. Joan' s everyday actions intimately express her passion and personal life journey to evolve into the highest form of humanity as she can while simultaneously helping others reach theirs. Words cannot express how greatly my life has been enriched through the privilege of being this amazing woman's neighbor.”
Ben has similar thoughts.
“She is relatable to all different ages," Ben says. "Her best feature is how approachable she is. She is as approachable as someone my age with the wisdom of a 70-year-old."
When downtown resident Brian Fletcher moved to Fort Wayne from Cleveland shortly after his mother died about eight years ago, Joan quickly took him under her wing, too.
Brian didn't know anyone here, but Joan was one of the first people to welcome him into her life and her home.
"Just by simply inviting me over, having dinner, playing Scrabble, and chatting about anything and everything filled my heart so much and helped me with getting through grieving the loss of my mother," Brian says. "I will be forever grateful to Joan for the love and kindness she provided to that strange guy in a strange city back in 2010.”
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Joan's living room provides a tranquil place for visitors to talk.
Changing the world
Joan has friends of every age, belief, and background, and she is often the last person to realize it because she doesn’t look at their differences.
Instead, she says, she just doesn't see age or other personal barriers.
“I have this idea that everyone is my age when I start a conversation," Joan says. "By the time I realize how old they are, I have already connected with them. I find that sometimes, as we age, it’s easy to be small-minded and to focus on preconceived ideas. Talking to younger people is energizing. The conversations are filled with energy and enthusiasm. I love hearing how they will make their mark on the world. Often while listening, I could ask a good question or two to help them as they navigate their journey.”
As an extension of her personal ministry, Joan’s home is now a haven for people not only in northeast Indiana, but also from across the country and around the globe.
She started renting out a spare room on Airbnb more than a year ago, and her listing is now a sold-out success.
In fact, Joan recently received an unexpected gift from Airbnb that is a framed sketch of her upstairs living room as a “thank you” for her highly-rated reviews on their website.
“It makes my heart so full that I could burst," Joan says. "To go from grief to this richness is joyous. And now with Airbnb, people come to my house that need someone to listen to. I know that the universe is coordinating all of this and bringing the people into my life. It’s a two-way street. Walking together and helping each other.”
Joan believes people can change the world if they each take personal responsibility for their relationships and community.
For those living in Williams Woodland Park Historic District, the impact of her decision to do that is already being felt, and her light continues to shine bright.
It shines not only from her home, but also through the heart of every life she touches.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I have known Joan McMillan, 68, for 34 years. When I went through a severe depression at age 28, I ended up at Joan’s kitchen counter at her home in the Williams Woodland Park Historic District for dinner one night, and those dinners quickly became my lifeline. Since then, any success I have found in my life I attribute to those beautiful dinners. To this day, we still have dinner at that kitchen table at least once a month.